He seems spectacular -- he treats me like a princess, is great looking, intelligent, and we share a lot of interests. But when the weekend rolls around, I want party until the sun comes up and he wants to be under the covers by 11p. Help! Am I in trouble?!?
Is this a "yin and yang" or "oil and water"? I'm going to start by dispelling one of the most dangerous dating adages... "opposites attract".
No they don't.
The right phrase is... [read more]
We’re in the middle of
both the NHL and NBA playoffs and I feel like I’m already a sports widow
(and we’ve only been dating 3 months) – is this a bad sign?
It’s great when guys like sports. It feels masculine, it builds
healthy relationships with other men, it can be a cornerstone of a
father/son bond, and more importantly, it can be the impetus for
establishing regular “boys’ nights” and “girls’ nights”.
No matter how wonderfully in love you become and how deep
the passion will burn for decades, it will be important for you and your
match to maintain some relationships that flourish outside of the two
of you as a couple. Nights out with your ladies will help you hold on
to your current identity and pour energy into your relationship. His
nights out with the fellas will reinforce his masculinity (also good for
you) and stengthen his appreciation for your partnership.
Playoff season doesn’t mean just let him go off with his buddies to drink beers and watch the games -- this is also a chance for you to get to know him better. I don’t advise that you create a new-found interest for the Philly Flyers (although Mike Richards is very cute), but you can begin to ask your partner more about what formed his love of the games – did he play as a kid, did his dad take him to the games, what role does he think organized sports play in the raising of children.
So don’t despair, it will all be over in a couple of weeks, and it’s a great opportunity to grow your relationship. 
Congratulations on taking this great step forward towards
happiness. When I’m working with clients with children, I have a couple
of strong guidelines to help them navigate these new relationship
waters.
First, I want to re-orient
your thinking – we are not going to focus on what anyone is doing
“wrong”, we are going to zero in on what we need to do to put you in a
position to be more successful.
Next, let’s re-review your selection criteria – are you
requesting any “must have’s” that go hand-in-hand with something that
has been a deal killer, e.g. you love that he is an international
businessman, but hate that he is out of town all of the time. Or, have
you left a big must have or can’t have off your profile that we might be
able to identify through reviewing your past dates?
Third, are you bringing the right energy and mindset to the
dates you are set up on? If you have a happy, positive attitude and you
are interested and interesting, this will get you to the next date.
Re-orient your thinking, take a fresh look at your selection
criteria, and bring a positive energy to your new connections, and
your dates will be headed in the right direction.
Happy Valentines Day!
Question: I have met a wonderful woman and
want to take her away for the weekend. How can I judge if it's too
soon?
First, let me start with a congratulation! New romance is exhilarating and it must be very exciting to be ready to plan your first getaway.
The answer largely centers around where the relationship is in
regard to "overnight stays". If you and your travel companion live in
different cities, and you are to the point where you are staying
overnight in the same room whichever city you are in, then I say full
steam ahead -- a weekend getaway is just a wonderful change in venue! If
you both live in the same city and have not yet had a sleepover, then I
move to the next layer of questions. If there is a structural reason
you may have not yet had a sleepover, e.g., she has children at home,
then a weekend trip may be just the impetus to advance to the next
stage. If there are no structural impediments, then proceed with care.
Your best bet is to concentrate on how you propose the idea. If
you've yet to have an overnight stay, bring up the concept of a weekend
away and evaluate her response. There's a big difference between "I was
thinking it might be fun to take you to Palm Springs" and "I've booked
us two flights and a suite with an ocean view for this weekend." The
latter, though very romantic, is best reserved for when your
relationship is more established.
Lastly, in the worst case scenario where you've jumped the gun,
simply
follow up quickly with an honest sentiment like "I didn't
mean to
pressure you, I'm just really enjoying your company and want
to spend
more time together. If you wish, I could reserve you your
own room." Or,
redirect the invite to be more about extending the fun --
"How about
we take a day drip then" -- then advance the relationship.
Either way, she'll be flattered, and appreciate the clear signals that you like her. Good luck and have fun!
Q:
He didn’t kiss me last night – does that mean he doesn’t like me?
No matter how “seasoned” we are
at new romance, the swirl of “does (s)he like me” can overpower even the most stalwart
of daters. Every day I get frantically-restrained calls from my clients following an electric evening out with a new
prospect.
“When should I call? If they don’t call, can I call them?
How long is too long? How soon is too soon?”
My advice is simple.
If you are the man in the relationship, call as soon as you
want and don’t wait too long. When you call, after an instant the “how
long did he wait to call me” will be whisked away and replaced with any
detail you share from your date that highlights what a great time you
had.
If you are the woman, I say give your date the opportunity
to take the traditional role of “pursuer”. Don’t panic after 36 hours
and don’t give yourself a complex and imaging the one hundred reasons
why he hasn’t called. If a week goes by, then my story changes. If you
want to call him, pick up and the phone and do it – you are the champion
of your own happiness, so take control.
I hope 2010 is full of great romance and quick call backs!
Am I being too picky, or just honest about
what I want?
This is one of my favorite questions – it shows that you are
already thinking about what is important to you in finding a great
match.
My first response is always to encourage you to be honest
about what you want; this is one of the most important decisions of your
life. My second response is then to press clients to closely examine
their priorities and put them into two buckets: 1) dealbreakers, and 2)
preferences that aren’t dealbreakers. I try to help them focus their
dealbreakers on those big criteria that are important to creating the
rich and fulfilling life they aspire to.
Final
Advice: Don’t deny what is
important to you in a partner, but put it in the right context so that
Kelleher International is in the best position to help you find your
great love.
In the many years I've been connecting some of the most successful singles on the planet, I've seen every possible combination that created the spark of love.
Do opposites attract?
Pure opposites may initiate some fun, but it's not enough. I've found that in the great romances (and even great "attractions") there has always been a common set of values or beliefs that form the basis of the deeper attraction.
My advice: enjoy the thrill of the differences between you and your new crush, but embrace and nurture the common values.
KELLEHER INTERNATIONAL
For 24 years Kelleher International has set the Gold Standard in upscale, selective, and personalized matchmaking.
